A Beginner's Guide to Throwing Fruitbats

Lets get a couple of things out of the way. Firstly, God only knows when I'm gonna update this blog next. I dont intend to stick to a rota, but rest assured this place ain't forgotten.
Secondly, this blog is dedicated to Henry Dudman, who I guess just needed to know just what is involved when you deal with throwing fruitbats.
This knowledge is useful for anyone. Without further ado, I present to you my guide to everything (and more) in the world of fruitbat throwing.



A wise, wise maths teacher (I couldn't decide upon her nationality from her accent) once passed on to me the knowledge of this family-friendly past time. Shortly afterwards she attempted to pick a stray wotsit from the floor, before going on to suffocate in her own chest. Yes, this was possible, she was fairly large. God bless her soul.

The bulk of the art lies in the capturing of your own fruitbat. You'll need these:

• Net - self explanatory
• Bat Costume - lure
• Lipstick - more lure
• Guinea Pig - as in a willing participant. what use would an actual guinea pig be?
• Cave - preferably one with fruitbats in

I would

The only way to tempt a bat out of its cave is by lust. Upon your guinea wearing your new bat costume, apply the make up to his/her face, and and other lips they may have. The male fruitbats in the vicinity will sense the presence of your pretend lady bat, and will follow their cocks to your trap. After latching themselves onto your guinea pig in the natural fruitbat mating position, it will be easy to find a suitable fruitbat and pull it off with your net.

(It's important to mention that the mating ceremony of the fruitbat is a very bloody one. So those 27 or so bats now attached to various parts of your guinea pigs body? You'll have to leave them. In the loss of your guinea pig and bat costume, you will now have your very own fruitbat. Talk about God closing a door and opening a window, huh?)

The World Champion fruitbat thrower in action

The next, and most important step (apart from the first one) is to practice your throw. Choose a suitable target. Be it a wall, a dartboard, a child, a pensioner, president, disabled person, or whatever. You name it, it's legal in the fruitbat throwing game.

The key to a good throw, like most things, is that it's all in the wrist. And it really is. I should mention that the throw is done entirely with the wrist. No fingers should be touching the fruitbat before, during or after the throw, nor in the picking up of the fruitbat. Master this, and you'll be ready for anything (fruitbat related).

That's all there is to it, really. What more can I say? He who has the strongest wrist wins. And try not to cheat.

Brushing Away The Cobwebs

Gosh it's gotten dusty here. Over a month ago since my last post?! I'm more ashamed than anyone else. Yes! Oh yes this feels good. Each word is like a little stroke of my parts.

Ahem.

Yes, I decided to make a new blog post. It's nothing dead exciting, but it's a little something I had to write in about 20 minutes in my english language lesson at college (college is the main reason for my lack of blogging. Next to having no ideas, and all the clunge). It's my version of the adorable children's tale, Show White and the Seven Dwarves. N'awwww. Well, here goes.

* * *

      Snow White's stepmother was not what anyone would regard an attractive woman. Her magic mirror, each time forcing out the words behind a false smile
      "You are the fairest of them all". Tragically, it was technically true - the bubonic plague had wiped out most of her competitors. It was the same old story, day in, day out. Until the mirror finally said "Snow White is the fairest of them all", barely containing it's smugness. Her stepmother was horrified. Partly that someone had avoided the plague, but mostly because someone was prettier than her. Although everyone but her knew that wasn't too hard of an achievement. Of course, the first thing she tried to do was to get Snow White out of the picture. Murder wasn't a strong word in those days. But Snow White's stepmother was a classy woman (in her eyes, at least). There were many ways you could kill someone without lifting a finger.


      Snow White could barely contain herself. An all expenses paid trip to a Dwarf spa? How she loved her stepmother. She'd never heard of a spa run by dwarves before. And such a lovely place! Look at that cute little cottage!
      In the clearing of the forest was a small cottage, just big enough it seemed, for a regular sized person to go into. The trees loomed over from behind like tall bouncers, blocking some of the sun while the rest spilled through the branches. The odd flower grew on the ground, but not many, it seemed the ground was well worn, probably from people walking. The whole place was eerily yet tranquilly silent.
      But... why wasn't the building marked? Where were the spa signs? Who ever heard of a spa run by Dwarves anyway? These obvious questions and more, never once entered Snow White's simple mind, as she crouched into the cottage through the front door.


    There were at least seven of them around the crudely carved table. Grotesque little things, in their grimy little kitchen. The whole place smelt like sweat, and mould. They were hunched, ugly, the plague had taken its toll on them. Their oddly intact teeth jutted out at odd angles. Their mouths watered at the sight of this pretty young woman, just as they were promised.
      Snow White didn't know what she had just walked in to. She finally realised what a fool she had been as they began to devour her.

Inception Junior

It's been over two weeks since I last wrote here! And for good reason, I had nothing to write about. But look at me now! WHEEEEEEEEE!

*ahem*, Lucid dreams.

For those of you who don't know, lucid dreams are dreams where you are aware that you are dreaming, and can then take direct control of the dream. Which sounds like the best thing in history. Seriously. Imagine the sorts of things you could do! I agree, most of them would be perverted, but anyway. I really wanted to experience one, so I did some research.
Apparently it's as easy as falling asleep thikning about lucid dreaming. Basically, what you do, is when something appears out of the ordinary (this could be anything), test to see if you are dreaming.

Electronic devices are very hard for your brain to conjure, so if they start playing up or acting strangely, you might be dreaming. Of course if you have windows Vista, don't assume you're constantly dreaming. It's just shit, that's all.
For some reason, hands never show up properly in dreams, so look at your hands, if they look weird, you're probably dreaming. Yes, probably. You never know, your hands might suddenly become saggy for no reason. it happens to old people all the time. And not just the hands.

So there I was, lying in bed, on my iPhone, browsing facebook, when the screen goes all fuzzy. Bearing in mind my techniques of dream testing, pressed the home button. Facebook wasnt called Facebook, it was called "facebookface", just like that. I looked at my hands, they were all blurry. So I was pretty sure I was dreaming.
As a final test, I tried to push one hand through another. Sure enough, my fingers slipped through like pushing through a loaf of bread. It was SO FUCKING WEIRD. And then i was like "OH WOW LUCID DREAM, THIS IS SO COOL, I WANT TO BE FLYING TO THE MOON AND-"

and then I woke up.

I was so bloody disappointed.

But still, theres my first, crappy, and as of yet only lucid dreaming experience. I'm still waiting for that time when I can dream myself to a planet full of pole dancers.

Anyone else have any lucid dream stories?

Pig costumes dont make anything better.

I was thinking, what is the worst band in the world? Then I realised, I already knew who it was. And THEN I realised, there are two bands that share this prestigious title. And I'm going to introduce you to both of them.

I'll start with (arguably) the less terrible of the two. I'm pretty sure some of you have heard of this band. I mean, look at this glowing list of album titles - "Butchered At Birth", "Gore Obsessed", "Gallery Of Suicide", and the pleasantly simple "Kill". That's right! I'm talking about Cannibal Corpse.

 Now don't get me wrong, some people are just into this sort of music. And I can understand that - to an extent. But with Cannibal Corpse, the lyrics (although barely understandable) are just plain unnecessary. Here's a lovely example:

Sever the limbs
Decapitate
Yank out the teeth
Then masturbate
Pounding the face
Ejaculate

This delightful extract comes from an equally delightful song called "Dismembered and Molested". Beautiful. I'm slightly impressed with the solid rhymes going on.

Words cannot describe the hatred I have for this band. I wouldn't have a problem with them if they wrote songs less, y'know, absolutely fucking horrendous. What kind of person would ever choose to listen to a song with lyrics like this?! The only saving grace is that the vocals sound more like constant burps than words, so you dont really have to suffer all too much. I really don't understand why anyone in their right mind would ever listen to this, see the lyrics, and go "I like this." It baffles me. The sad thing is that the fast guitars and the faster drums actually show some kind of skill with the band members. Such a waste of talent on this steaming pile of turd. Ah well, all you Cannibal Corpse fans can laugh this away because they  are just so badass.

THATS WHERE YOU'RE WRONG.

Here's a genuine video of the lead singer (Corpsegrinder his name is. Yes, they are that cool) talking about how much he likes World Of Warcraft. He's just so badass, no? Hahaha, asshole.

Moving on...

There does exist a band worse than Cannibal Corpse. A band so awfully bad on every level, I would actually enjoy seeing them be killed, slowly and painfully. Toothpicks in the eyes, thumbtacks in the... sorry, I'm getting carried carried away. Writing one blog about Cannibal Corpse does this to you. I speak, of course, of none other than BrokeNCYDE.

OH GOOD GOD JUST LOOK AT THEM. I actually want to be sick a little bit. One of those minisicks that get swallowed again. This picture alone will have already put off most people, and good for you! Oh jeez look at them again... look guys, you aren't different, you aren't all "abused", you just look like crayola has has an orgy all over you. Christ, go indoors. And dont come out again.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the music. What it is, is a mixture of (poor) rap, slow techno and... screamo. The "rapping" consists of the odd rhyme, and the rest of it being filler about sex with their imaginary girls and the odd swearword. And the screamo isn't even speaking. Every now and then you just hear "WAAUUUUGH" in the background for good measure. The shittest band, in the world, on astromincal proportions.

And thankfully, they are nowhere near as popular as Cannibal Corpse, which leads so some seriously underfunded music videos. Which is amusing. Take their first single, "Freaxxx". Already the x's have made me facepalm. The music video is very laughable. Especially the bit where they scream LIAR and strangle this random woman.

It genuinely makes me chuckle

Oh, and there's a random guy in a pig costume, that serves no purpose other than to look stupid.

Fucking pig.

The last straw is the band members' names. Se7en, Mikl, Phat J, and Antz.

You can't spell a name with a fucking number. How do you pronounce that?! SE-SEVEN-EN. Twat. 

And Antz is a pixar film you arse. Thats not a great look to be rocking is it? 

The other two, meh. They're alright.

So if you're curious, or stupid, or both! Then by all means go and look at some of the songs by them on youtube.

But don't say I didn't warn you.

I mention hoovers 12 times!

I was overthinking a mundane dream I had, when I realised something. I think I've stumbled across proof that the brain has capabilities greater than you once thought. Let me explain...

Ok, so this is how the dream went. I was standing in my sitting room (oh the irony) wearing a sombrero, talking to this person who had crawled down my fireplace chimney. This is seriously the kind of shit I dream about. Anyway, I dont remember who it was I was talking to, but after a while they walked over to a cupboard, while still talking to me about something, and pulled out a hoover. He then proceeded to plug it in and turn it on and happily hoover the carpet as he talked. The sound of the hoover got louder and louder until I eventually woke up to the sight of my mum hoovering the landing. I would've been angry, but to be fair it had gone 12 o'clock.

Anyway, so thats that, the hoover in the dream was of the sound of my own mum hoovering. Excellent.

BUT

The strange thing is, the events in my dream timed perfectly the stranger hoovering my dream house, with the actual sound of my real mum with a real hoover hoovering for real. Hoovers. How did my mind know to make the man in my dream walk over to the hoover, and then turn it on at just the right time so that the sound of it matched perfectly with the sound of the real hoover outside my bedroom doorway? Could this mean that you are fully aware of your surroundings when asleep? I dont understand how my brain knew that my mum was going over to the hoover, and turning it on, and to then make it so the events in my dream led up to and fitted perfectly with it.

That's pretty freaky, Bowie.

It bothered me that much to make a whole blog post about it. What do the handful of people that actually care about these posts think about this?

"I've not seen so much sweat in one advert before."

Now, I've seen some things that are pretty wrong in my life, and this isn't the worst of them. But I feel it deserves a special mention.
 http://www.vulva-original.com/gb/
 Let me say first, this is not a safe website if you suffer from nearby parents syndrome. A very dodgy video followed by nudity. So let me tell you about it if you dont want to risk it. Of course, if you're Phil Cresswell then dont listen. Have a wank.
Oh, and let it be said that I was shown this by a friend. I didn't search this out myself. Just thought I'd clear that up. Not that anyone will believe me, but hey ho.

At a glance, it's a scent for men, not designed to attract women though, simply for men to enjoy. Already, something is vaguely wrong. Let me explain...

You eagle eyed readers may have already been thrown off by the name of the fragrance. Yes, a vulva is a term for the vagina. What this is effectively, is bottled scent of a vagina, designed for single men to excite themselves with while playing World of Warcraft, I assume.
In all honesty, I can see some men in the world thinking this is the best thing since... well, women. But that isn't what the video on the website implies. Oh no. Let me walk you through it.

The video starts in a noir style, with who appears to be Sawyer from Lost (I had to google that), soon joined by a scantily clad Sarah Jessica Parker (except less horse like). He starts checking her out, like you do, and the camera follows her as she wanders over to the excercise bike in the middle of the room, which is now confirmed to be the most under furnished gym in the world. She begins to excercise, as he watches. The camera focuses on her crotch area as it moves up and down on the seat, and droplets of sweat are visible on the seat. This continues, juxtaposed by shots of Sawyer looking at her like a dog staring at an enormous pork sausage smothering itself in Bakers Original. I've not seen so much sweat in one advert before.
Eventually, she leaves the room after her probably un-needed work out. This leaves the man, a sweat covered bike seat, and... no just that. I know what you're thinking, and yes, he actually does it. He goes over, and inhales deeply from the seat. I've never been so moderately repulsed by a video before.

So contrary to what the first impressions were, this is not a mens fragrance apparently. It is not the smell of a vagina designed to keep men quiet. According to this video, it is for men who like the smell of vaginal sweat fluid. I never like saying vaginal, but there i just said it twice. See what I do for you people?
Some people have actually gone and bottled the smell of a sweaty vagina, and bottled it up and made it commercially available. What kind of twisted human would ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER (ever) WANT TO SMELL THAT BY THEIR OWN ACCORD?! I say of their own accord like they might smell it by accident. Well you never know, you might be mown down by an all females marathon race. Then you sit up and things get a bit uncomfortable.
And then after all that, it leads you straight to the online shop. SOME people might seem interested by this, but me? I felt more like having a week long shower. Ugh, I felt truly filthy that day.

Anyway yeah, grossness. I shudder to think if they make a womens equivalent. Scrotum original? The bottled scent of a sweaty ballsack? Its the future, people! Apparently.

Shall I say thanks to the friend who showed me this website. No, no I wont. Oh god no. But you can thank me for going there for you. Believe me, you dont want to see it for yourself. Now go into that corner and cry at the clear loss of all that is decent in this world.

Blog, eh?

I feel like the only person not doing one of these blog mo-larks. Being the individual thinker I am, I decided to jump on the bandwagon. Woop!

Well I'm not gonna have a schedule to stick to or anything, but I can assure you whenever anything vaguely interesting happens, I'll be right here to tell all you lovely people about it. And I'll be sure to note down any epiphanies (which I have all the time. Obviously.)

Well this was a nice introduction, but onto something more substantial for your eyes to feast upon. Don't want them to get skinny now, do we? Everyone likes nice plump eyes. Mmmm.