A Beginner's Guide to Throwing Fruitbats

Lets get a couple of things out of the way. Firstly, God only knows when I'm gonna update this blog next. I dont intend to stick to a rota, but rest assured this place ain't forgotten.
Secondly, this blog is dedicated to Henry Dudman, who I guess just needed to know just what is involved when you deal with throwing fruitbats.
This knowledge is useful for anyone. Without further ado, I present to you my guide to everything (and more) in the world of fruitbat throwing.



A wise, wise maths teacher (I couldn't decide upon her nationality from her accent) once passed on to me the knowledge of this family-friendly past time. Shortly afterwards she attempted to pick a stray wotsit from the floor, before going on to suffocate in her own chest. Yes, this was possible, she was fairly large. God bless her soul.

The bulk of the art lies in the capturing of your own fruitbat. You'll need these:

• Net - self explanatory
• Bat Costume - lure
• Lipstick - more lure
• Guinea Pig - as in a willing participant. what use would an actual guinea pig be?
• Cave - preferably one with fruitbats in

I would

The only way to tempt a bat out of its cave is by lust. Upon your guinea wearing your new bat costume, apply the make up to his/her face, and and other lips they may have. The male fruitbats in the vicinity will sense the presence of your pretend lady bat, and will follow their cocks to your trap. After latching themselves onto your guinea pig in the natural fruitbat mating position, it will be easy to find a suitable fruitbat and pull it off with your net.

(It's important to mention that the mating ceremony of the fruitbat is a very bloody one. So those 27 or so bats now attached to various parts of your guinea pigs body? You'll have to leave them. In the loss of your guinea pig and bat costume, you will now have your very own fruitbat. Talk about God closing a door and opening a window, huh?)

The World Champion fruitbat thrower in action

The next, and most important step (apart from the first one) is to practice your throw. Choose a suitable target. Be it a wall, a dartboard, a child, a pensioner, president, disabled person, or whatever. You name it, it's legal in the fruitbat throwing game.

The key to a good throw, like most things, is that it's all in the wrist. And it really is. I should mention that the throw is done entirely with the wrist. No fingers should be touching the fruitbat before, during or after the throw, nor in the picking up of the fruitbat. Master this, and you'll be ready for anything (fruitbat related).

That's all there is to it, really. What more can I say? He who has the strongest wrist wins. And try not to cheat.