Inception Junior

It's been over two weeks since I last wrote here! And for good reason, I had nothing to write about. But look at me now! WHEEEEEEEEE!

*ahem*, Lucid dreams.

For those of you who don't know, lucid dreams are dreams where you are aware that you are dreaming, and can then take direct control of the dream. Which sounds like the best thing in history. Seriously. Imagine the sorts of things you could do! I agree, most of them would be perverted, but anyway. I really wanted to experience one, so I did some research.
Apparently it's as easy as falling asleep thikning about lucid dreaming. Basically, what you do, is when something appears out of the ordinary (this could be anything), test to see if you are dreaming.

Electronic devices are very hard for your brain to conjure, so if they start playing up or acting strangely, you might be dreaming. Of course if you have windows Vista, don't assume you're constantly dreaming. It's just shit, that's all.
For some reason, hands never show up properly in dreams, so look at your hands, if they look weird, you're probably dreaming. Yes, probably. You never know, your hands might suddenly become saggy for no reason. it happens to old people all the time. And not just the hands.

So there I was, lying in bed, on my iPhone, browsing facebook, when the screen goes all fuzzy. Bearing in mind my techniques of dream testing, pressed the home button. Facebook wasnt called Facebook, it was called "facebookface", just like that. I looked at my hands, they were all blurry. So I was pretty sure I was dreaming.
As a final test, I tried to push one hand through another. Sure enough, my fingers slipped through like pushing through a loaf of bread. It was SO FUCKING WEIRD. And then i was like "OH WOW LUCID DREAM, THIS IS SO COOL, I WANT TO BE FLYING TO THE MOON AND-"

and then I woke up.

I was so bloody disappointed.

But still, theres my first, crappy, and as of yet only lucid dreaming experience. I'm still waiting for that time when I can dream myself to a planet full of pole dancers.

Anyone else have any lucid dream stories?

Pig costumes dont make anything better.

I was thinking, what is the worst band in the world? Then I realised, I already knew who it was. And THEN I realised, there are two bands that share this prestigious title. And I'm going to introduce you to both of them.

I'll start with (arguably) the less terrible of the two. I'm pretty sure some of you have heard of this band. I mean, look at this glowing list of album titles - "Butchered At Birth", "Gore Obsessed", "Gallery Of Suicide", and the pleasantly simple "Kill". That's right! I'm talking about Cannibal Corpse.

 Now don't get me wrong, some people are just into this sort of music. And I can understand that - to an extent. But with Cannibal Corpse, the lyrics (although barely understandable) are just plain unnecessary. Here's a lovely example:

Sever the limbs
Decapitate
Yank out the teeth
Then masturbate
Pounding the face
Ejaculate

This delightful extract comes from an equally delightful song called "Dismembered and Molested". Beautiful. I'm slightly impressed with the solid rhymes going on.

Words cannot describe the hatred I have for this band. I wouldn't have a problem with them if they wrote songs less, y'know, absolutely fucking horrendous. What kind of person would ever choose to listen to a song with lyrics like this?! The only saving grace is that the vocals sound more like constant burps than words, so you dont really have to suffer all too much. I really don't understand why anyone in their right mind would ever listen to this, see the lyrics, and go "I like this." It baffles me. The sad thing is that the fast guitars and the faster drums actually show some kind of skill with the band members. Such a waste of talent on this steaming pile of turd. Ah well, all you Cannibal Corpse fans can laugh this away because they  are just so badass.

THATS WHERE YOU'RE WRONG.

Here's a genuine video of the lead singer (Corpsegrinder his name is. Yes, they are that cool) talking about how much he likes World Of Warcraft. He's just so badass, no? Hahaha, asshole.

Moving on...

There does exist a band worse than Cannibal Corpse. A band so awfully bad on every level, I would actually enjoy seeing them be killed, slowly and painfully. Toothpicks in the eyes, thumbtacks in the... sorry, I'm getting carried carried away. Writing one blog about Cannibal Corpse does this to you. I speak, of course, of none other than BrokeNCYDE.

OH GOOD GOD JUST LOOK AT THEM. I actually want to be sick a little bit. One of those minisicks that get swallowed again. This picture alone will have already put off most people, and good for you! Oh jeez look at them again... look guys, you aren't different, you aren't all "abused", you just look like crayola has has an orgy all over you. Christ, go indoors. And dont come out again.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the music. What it is, is a mixture of (poor) rap, slow techno and... screamo. The "rapping" consists of the odd rhyme, and the rest of it being filler about sex with their imaginary girls and the odd swearword. And the screamo isn't even speaking. Every now and then you just hear "WAAUUUUGH" in the background for good measure. The shittest band, in the world, on astromincal proportions.

And thankfully, they are nowhere near as popular as Cannibal Corpse, which leads so some seriously underfunded music videos. Which is amusing. Take their first single, "Freaxxx". Already the x's have made me facepalm. The music video is very laughable. Especially the bit where they scream LIAR and strangle this random woman.

It genuinely makes me chuckle

Oh, and there's a random guy in a pig costume, that serves no purpose other than to look stupid.

Fucking pig.

The last straw is the band members' names. Se7en, Mikl, Phat J, and Antz.

You can't spell a name with a fucking number. How do you pronounce that?! SE-SEVEN-EN. Twat. 

And Antz is a pixar film you arse. Thats not a great look to be rocking is it? 

The other two, meh. They're alright.

So if you're curious, or stupid, or both! Then by all means go and look at some of the songs by them on youtube.

But don't say I didn't warn you.

I mention hoovers 12 times!

I was overthinking a mundane dream I had, when I realised something. I think I've stumbled across proof that the brain has capabilities greater than you once thought. Let me explain...

Ok, so this is how the dream went. I was standing in my sitting room (oh the irony) wearing a sombrero, talking to this person who had crawled down my fireplace chimney. This is seriously the kind of shit I dream about. Anyway, I dont remember who it was I was talking to, but after a while they walked over to a cupboard, while still talking to me about something, and pulled out a hoover. He then proceeded to plug it in and turn it on and happily hoover the carpet as he talked. The sound of the hoover got louder and louder until I eventually woke up to the sight of my mum hoovering the landing. I would've been angry, but to be fair it had gone 12 o'clock.

Anyway, so thats that, the hoover in the dream was of the sound of my own mum hoovering. Excellent.

BUT

The strange thing is, the events in my dream timed perfectly the stranger hoovering my dream house, with the actual sound of my real mum with a real hoover hoovering for real. Hoovers. How did my mind know to make the man in my dream walk over to the hoover, and then turn it on at just the right time so that the sound of it matched perfectly with the sound of the real hoover outside my bedroom doorway? Could this mean that you are fully aware of your surroundings when asleep? I dont understand how my brain knew that my mum was going over to the hoover, and turning it on, and to then make it so the events in my dream led up to and fitted perfectly with it.

That's pretty freaky, Bowie.

It bothered me that much to make a whole blog post about it. What do the handful of people that actually care about these posts think about this?